Lumumba departs with the nation's best wishes
The Gang of Five (Year Olds)
May 1, 2002
Articles on stuff
Like a migrating butterfly flitting its way northwards, Miss Guyana Universe Odinga Lumumba departed Guyana's shores last night with the hopes of the nation on his back.
At a departure ceremony at the Timehri airport Lumumba looked visibly moved by the send off, snuffling into a delicate silk handkerchief. He was wearing a charcoal grey business suit, replete with a daring thigh-high slit revealing a pair of boxer shorts fringed with lace.
His chaperone for the trip Clem David was dressed more conservatively in a pastel pink dress and matching hat much like those worn by large ladies on their way to Sunday church. It was a strange but fetching sight for those gathered to say farewell. Amongst the dignitaries were the Minister of Culture Gail Teixeira, in button down shirt and tie, who threw kisses to the lovely couple as they walked up the groaning steps of the BWIA plane.
In a brief statement to the press Lumumba said he hoped to do his nation proud in the upcoming event in Puerto Rico and was aiming to weigh in at over 250lbs. As soon as he gets off the plane he will go straight to McDonalds and then to a Brooklyn gym where he will be given lessons in french manicure and thong management. Lumumba said he was ready for the controversy that would greet him at the competition given assertions by alarmed organisers that he was a man.
Dr Roger Forbes (but not necessarily Burnham) Luncheon was asked at a recent press conference what he would do if the U.S. government were to suddenly give this country $100M.
As he peered over his glasses, Luncheon asked for clarification as "to whether the money would be coming in multiple tranches as is the customary manner of such grant funding programmes and whether it was part of a larger IMF related enhanced HIPC debt relief package now engaging the attention of the various institutions in the international arena." The reporter said it was a lump sum with no strings attached.
"In my opinion such a question is predicated upon a generosity not normally associated with such parties. But if as you say, and I have no reason to doubt you, that this money in one form or another is imminently forthcoming, it would be a considerable fillip for the government in its continuous and coordinated commitment to eradicate poverty in this country. Of course such a sizeable sum of funding would require a full and detailed discussion by all the parties involved with a view to its most efficacious deployment. This might necessitate, but not necessarily, some discussions of a parliamentary nature as it pertains to reaching a certain consensus amongst the various participants both in and out of the body politic, bearing in mind at all times the overriding tenets of democratic centralism."
The five little rascals who escaped from a Georgetown primary school continue to elude the police. The five viciously attacked their teacher with rubber bands before making their daring escape on the first day of the new term.
Parents said overcrowding in the school had been an issue for the inmates for many months now. The five allegedly revolted after being beaten with a ruler for having dog-eared books. Immediately after running from the school compound, the gang raided a sweetie stand grabbing hand loads of Beharry bullets before proceeding along Mandela Avenue in the direction of Pizza Hut.
Yesterday afternoon eyewitnesses said they saw the five riding down Regent Street on stolen bikes. Fearful shop owners immediately pulled down their grills and sent workers home early.
Meanwhile, their parents held a press conference at Congress Place. One mother sobbed "I want my baby back!" The PNC said the police should exercise restraint in apprehending the five and called for the immediate disbanding of the feared truancy officers. A subsequent police press release described the five as armed and playful.
The Gang of Five (Year Olds)