How to win a beauty pageant
Talking heads
Attention young ladies. Should you ever be interested in entering a beauty pageant here are some worthy tips to win the first prize trip for two to anywhere but here. The first thing to remember is pay for none of your wardrobe or makeup. This may require parading in a bikini in front of overweight businessmen while batting your eyelids and hoping your mother is not around. Should you overcome this trial and find a Sugar Daddy Inc. do not be afraid to ask for the most expensive clothes and insist on arriving at the pageant in a stretch limousine accompanied by many ladies in waiting to fawn over you. The show is usually broken up into 4 parts. The Talent. the Bikini, the Evening Wear and the Personality. Despite what you might be told- that the personality section is the most important- this is of course complete nonsense. This fiction was invented recently to assuage women's lib groups. The bikini section decides everything and you must display all your talents at this time. Suggestions include making your bikini top dangerously loose or pretending to drop a lipstick and taking two hours to pick it up or if you are really daring peeling a piece of gum from the bottom of your shoe. In general just make sure things are shaking while you lick your lips at the judges. And of course, girls, heels to toes always! The talent section can give some problems but this is easily solved. Hold two napkins and pretend to do a traditional dance. Since no one really pays attention to this section your lack of choreography will likely go unnoticed. The evening wear section is pretty straightforward. As you come on stage stand still with a frozen smile for as long as you can until the MC starts coughing . The back of your gown must reach somewhere below the equator of your kidneys. Some straps rigged across the back will allow the MC to marvel at the "interesting detail work. " Try also to pick a colour the MC will find hard to describe . A "rich, yellowish beigy orange chartreuse crushed velvet... " Other tips include accidentally pouring soft drink in the lap of your rival or putting ice cubes down the back of her dress making the judges think the talent section is still in progress and she is doing a primeval war dance. Now comes the dreaded personality section . You may worry you will be found out as having learnt absolutely nothing in school and everything on the seawall. Relax... it's a breeze and works like this. Just repeat twice everything the MC asks you. Example. MC " What will you do if you become Queen of "The 107 Beauty Pageant to be held in Guyana this Year?" You; " If I become the Queen of "The 107th Beauty Pageant to be held in Guyana this Year " I will completely forget about all those social causes I pretended to care about and go on the holiday to Tobago and have a totally wild time and take lots of pictures to make my friends jealous. That's I would do if I become Queen of "The 107th Beauty Pageant to be held in Guyana this Year". Thankyou." When your name is deservedly announced as the Queen of " The 107th Beauty Pageant to be held in Guyana this Year " make sure to start screaming and shaking your hands as if you had just witnessed a fatal car accident. This you may want to practice. And when you walk down the runway in your plastic crown carrying your plastic roses, shed a tear for all your hard work. You go girl!
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