Cuffs and slaps no gifts of love
By Dr Julian Ballantyne
SEVERAL years ago a local therapist described as an "act of love" the horrendous suicide-murders of the family of a failed Valsayn businessman. This was an unacceptably misguided comment, coming as it did from one practising in the field of human psychology. But his bizarre point of view resonated then, and regrettably still does, with a belief that appears to be deeply entrenched within the Trinbagonian psyche: that it makes complete sense for a man who loves a woman to react by hitting, beating or killing her, especially if she tries to leave him. Love and violence seem to be surprisingly comfortable bed partners in both Trinidad and Tobago. But in this we are not alone. Around the world, people are finally waking up to the reality and unacceptability of relationship violence. And yet, locally, the combination of love and violence seems to be becoming more and more accepted by a nation increasingly desensitised to relationship abuse. So disturbing is this trend that it moved a young mother, yet another victim of domestic violence, to assert recently that she was giving up on men. That someone so young could be so jaded, so completely fed up, is a sad indictment of the local world of relationships. At a point in her life when she should be discovering the excitement of passionate love and the satisfaction of a mutually-caring relationship, she had instead opened a Pandora's box of despair. But in truth her reactions seemed to reflect not only the horror of losing her son and her lover's unacceptable behaviour but also a depression inspired by a longer standing series of abusive relationship experiences of which the loss of her son may simply have been the last straw. At least, that was my impression. But her giving up also suggested that, for her, the notion that violence and love are inextricably bound up may be a resignedly accepted fact. And so, with terrible sweeping strokes she concluded essentially that all men were no good. They were, in her experience, violent wolves in sheep clothing. And she was going to give them a rest. This belief that violence is part and parcel of the experience of love is shared by many. A man gouges out his wife's eyes with his bare hands and then tells her that from then on, he would take care of her. As part of his defence, he attempts to portray himself as the genuine victim in the relationship. But his offer to take care of her as an invalid negates that picture. A child dies and his stepfather is charged with murder, and the child's mother remains openly supportive of her man, beaming widely to the cameras present outside of the courthouse. (She reminded me of the old woman in Florida whose husband tried to shoot her in the head but fortunately missed. At his trial, she pleaded with the judge to go easy on him because he was depressed. What happens to these women? Where does their pain go?) Finally, after his lover terminated their relationship, a man chops her all over her body and then drinks gramoxone in a bid to end his life. It's a common local twist on the Romeo and Juliet theme. Except that the only part that matches the original is the notion that without her, he cannot survive. Unfortunately, he feels he must destroy her too because she also must not live without him. Especially if it looks as if she can. Many of the women who survive episodes of domestic violence often choose to remain in the abusive relationship. What sometimes hooks them is the post-violence tenderness and caring they receive at the hands of former monsters. I know of a man who would lovingly tend to his wife's wounds after he had planassed her with a cutlass all over her body. Throughout his tender ministrations, he would whisper, "See what you make me do? Why you make me do these things to you, eh?" You'd swear he was the victim. What is very frightening is that younger and younger men and women are accepting with comfort this juxtaposition of love and violence. The occurrence of domestic violence among very young couples, even teenagers like 17-year-old Nyasha Bobb and her post-pubescent lover, is fast becoming a common scenario. And, like their mothers before them, these young girls may tacitly accept that it is okay for their boyfriends to hit them. Raised by mothers who may have preached the language of non-acceptance of abuse while themselves remaining in violent relationships, these teenagers are proving the accuracy of social learning theory: children are more likely to do what they see over what they are told. And while many boys genuinely tell themselves that when they grow up, they would never hit someone in the way that Daddy hit Mammy or Mammy hit them, the truth is that they are more likely to turn out to be internalised representations of their own negative parenting experiences. Sometimes violent men are motivated by jealousy and passion. And many women see this jealousy as a sign of true love. In its presence, they feel comforted. But jealousy is not a component of love. It is a reflection of emotional insecurity and an uncertain attachment. That their own jealousy may lead some women to rip up a man's clothing, or slap and claw at him, may only serve to pave the road for their acceptance of his later violence. Which is not to say that all relationship violence is initiated by women but it is a fact that this is sometimes the case. Many women believe that it is their prerogative to hit and scratch at a lover during a moment (or twelve) of emotional insecurity. And of course this is not acceptable. But it also does not justify the broken bones they may receive later. Part of the problem must lie in what it means to be a woman in Trinidad and Tobago.
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