‘Police swoop down on litterbug’

"Yesterday alert ranks of the city constabulary caught a citizen in the brazen act of littering. John Smith, who sources reveal has a history of dropping sweetie wrappers, was apprehended after he was seen in the vicinity of Demico House behaving in a suspicious manner. The brave constable noticed that Smith had a mint in his mouth but when interrogated could not account for the presence of a wrapper which he had carefully tried to conceal under a parked No.45 minibus. A large crowd formed to protest the alleged perpetrator’s arrest and backups soon arrived swiftly depositing Smith into a council pickup. Meanwhile reporters for the unmentionable newspaper took pictures of the wrapper crumpled up against the wheel.

This is the latest in a long line of brazen littering activities carried out in the last few months by what seems to be well organised gangs. President Jagdeo was told of the incident while attending a World Bank conference in Washington and cut short his visit to take charge of the situation."

‘Panty thief strikes again’

"In another daring attack on a washing line, the infamous panty thief or as he his known ‘Mr Panties’ swooped down on an Annandale yard last night carting off a number of ladies’ underwear left out by their owner. Speaking to the Misirable Mirror, a grief stricken Jocelyn Singh recalled how she had washed her wears only the night before and hung them on the line. She said her neighbour had looked over the fence and warned her that Mr Panties was in the area. But she did not think he would raid her yard since she wore size 12 jukeboxes and the panty thief had to date only gone for highcut size 8 and under. She woke the next morning to find her underwear gone including a Maidenform underwire bra which her aunt had just sent her from the States. ‘I don’t know how I will support myself’, sobbed the buxom mother of three."

Crisis? What Crisis?

With the little disturbances troubling this Caribbean paradise in the last few weeks, months ...er years, o.k. decades, it really is advisable not to watch television or read the newspapers. By all means one should buy the Stabroek News but not necessarily look at it too carefully. Read it upside down or skip the first few pages and head straight for the comics. No, that’s not the letters pages. Or start at the back with the sports section and then conveniently remember something urgent you have to do. If you must read the letters, stick to those which don’t have the words "terrorism", "discrimination" or "limousines" in their headlines.

You see ignorance is certainly bliss in these troubled times and it requires great discipline to be ignorant while all around you people are talking their heads off about the latest brouhaha. Don’t get involved in idle gossip about who shot who and where. It is unbecoming and demonstrates a smallness of mind.

Should you get into a conversation with such people, it is best to immediately change the subject to cricket or the latest shade of Sasha lipstick. Don’t be put off by the sounds of gunshots waking you from your early morning slumber. They are just from your neighbour’s car backfiring. When will he ever get it fixed? So you can’t drive up the East Coast Road to see your relatives? Did you really want to go anyway? They are so country. And less traffic means less accidents. That’s a good way to look at it.

Nor let us get downhearted by the television programmes denouncing this or that party. There are lots of shows which will cheer you up and make you laugh. Half an hour with Rovin Deodat and his schoolchildren should not be seen as an indictment of the country’s education system. But as well scripted comedy. After all they can’t be that dumb.

Life is good. Even when it rains, how charming the sad eyed donkeys look. No, my dear, talk no more of revolution ... go make a cup of tea. It will all pass over and sunny days will be here again.

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