Misir complains press not highlighting crime
Information Czar, Prem (you can call me Doctor) Misir is furious the press is downplaying the current crime wave.

In a press release he berates the Stabroek News for its coverage of development programmes while four people were shot by bandits at a popular nightspot. “What is wrong, wrong, wrong with these people?” he writes “Can’t they see the government is under attack? And there they are sensationalising an IDB farm-to-market road project in Region 2!”

Buxtonians feed commuters
Early morning commuters passing along the East Coast were given a pleasant surprise yesterday morning when Buxtonians came out to the Public Road offering them freshly baked pine tarts and coffee.

About three minibuses were stopped by armed men with guns and the passengers initially thought the worst. But the men’s moms surrounded the buses armed with steaming cups of coffee and pastries for the delighted commuters.

Only Doolarie Singh from No. 63 village complained. She said the coffee was too hot and had burnt her lips. She showed Stabroek News the burn mark and said “Ouch! Me bun me lip”. Other than her, everyone was happy. Even the gunmen showed the little children their impressive weapons and told of daring hijackings they had made. The passengers invited the boys and their moms to Berbice for an exchange weekend, before proceeding to town.

Robert Persaud goes on vacation
Liaison officer and chief propagandist Robert Persaud has finally gone on vacation, the first in many years. Editors are said to be ecstatic at the news.

Persaud has gone to Russia on a busman’s holiday where he will be learning about news management post Soviet style before taking a few days at a Black Sea resort.

Dr Luncheon utters simple sentence
In a move that has sent shock waves around Guyana’s linguistic community Dr Roger Luncheon yesterday uttered a simple sentence with only one verb, a subject and an object.

Reporters at the press conference were said to be dumbfounded and dropped their pens in amazement. A young female reporter fainted and was rushed to the hospital. At the time Luncheon was answering a question about enhanced HIPC debt relief when he was heard to utter: “We want more debt relief.” A press release later clarified his remarks saying Dr Luncheon meant to say: “It has come to the attention of the government that the issue of debt relief within the context of the HIPC programme is of paramount importance given the difficulties of revenue collection both from the importable sectors and levies brought against the private sector community. I have been informed and verily believe that donor countries have roles to play of a substantive nature in the easification of the Cooperative Republic of Guyana’s ability to sustain debt management in the forseeable future.”

Deep discounts in new private sector crime campaign
Businesses in Regent St held a massive one day sale on Tuesday offering half price on every item, in protest at the current crime wave. The spokesman for the FUC sub committee - WABOBOF (We are broke and owe the banks a fortune) said it would continue to offer deeper discounts until the parties do something.

Hoyte, Jagdeo picnic together
President Jagdeo and PNC/R leader Desmond Hoyte enjoyed a wonderful weekend at Lake Mainstay as they gaffed about the economy, crime and the latest episode of the Sopranos. Hoyte wearing fetching flourescent green Speedos and Jagdeo in a two-piece wetsuit also went out in a canoe for some fishing. According to a joint press release the canoe developed a leak and the two leaders were forced to bail like hell. After they came ashore they had a good laugh that their situation was just like the country’s and they needed to get their act together.

Over a few beers and a game of dominoes the two decided to join forces against C.N. Sharma and called a moratorium on all press conferences and releases until the New Year.

Hijacked car not found in Buxton
The army did not find a hijacked car in Buxton last night.

Businessman says treated terribly by kidnappers

The latest businessman to be hijacked is complaining at the terrible service he received from his captors.

Ramdihol Kisson said he had expected at least a queen size bed with matching duvet but was only given a twin. In addition the mini bar was poorly stocked and the A/C was dripping. Room service was slow and the fried rice he ordered was cold.

Kisson said the gunmen were often surly and did not wear bow ties as he had asked for. One of their shoes was scuffed. “This is not good enough!” lamented the plastic cutlery importer. “I ended up paying good money for this night and now feel robbed.”

Complete ban on beauty pageants
The Ministry of Culture has officially placed a ban on all beauty pageants following a recent contest where the first runner-up shot the winner and ran away with her crown.

All protests on the ban have also been prohibited and letters containing the words ‘beauty pageant’ will no longer be allowed in this newspaper.

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And now for the rest of the news....

Lucky Westford
It was reassuring to find out that Big Truck Brathwaite still knows how to throw a sucker punch. There was the Italian fighter protesting to the referee that the Guyanese was actually hitting him too much and Big Truck ran the width of the ring and clocked him one! Way to go! The swing was reminiscent of a fight outside Demico house a few weeks ago when a minibus driver punched a woman in the face.

What was disturbing was the news that Public Service Minister Jennifer ‘Big Bird’ Westford had flown over to see the fight. Who paid for this may we ask?

Of course the long suffering Guyanese taxpayer; and only because Dr Luncheon seemed to think it would bring the fighter luck. But at what price? Well for those who don’t know - the fight was held in the Italian enclave of Campione in the charming Lake Como area. A flight to the nearest city Milan would have been around US$300 out of London. A last minute flight to London from Guyana would probably be US$1200. Taxi from Milan to Campione? Who knows but probably $200 round trip. Where might the minister stay? A hotel room in Campione for two nights would be no less than US$400. Add $400 for food etc and the bill for having a lucky mascot must have been at least US$2500. While everyone asks about the dialogue and crime it would be far more interesting to find out how much the government squandered on such a jaunt.

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