Aries

Today is a time for much caution with Jupiter passing over the Moon. An encounter at lunchtime may leave you separated from your family and bound and gagged in a safe house in a posh residential neighbourhood. But your Aries ingenuity will set you free and allow you to seek a bitter revenge.

Taurus

A good day to settle legal affairs. That little trouble you had with a certain talk show host can easily be solved with a petition to a judge. But beware the ensuing small print in the newspapers. Walk in the corner.

Gemini

Speak clearly at your post Cabinet weekly press briefing today. The days of creating mystery are behind you as you take on a more plainspoken persona. Avoid using such expressions as ‘body politic’, ‘institutional strengthening’ and ‘I do verily believe’.

Cancer

Stay indoors this morning with the Sun in the ascendancy. You might get sunburn. Money matters prevail and a letter from the bank will inform you that you are now officially in receivership and will soon lose your house and car. Life is tough. Deal with it.

Leo

A good day to emigrate but leave mid-morning so you are not the only car passing through Buxton. Reconcile with your brother who stole your tractor 30 years ago. Take a window seat on the plane and watch your old life disappear from view. Security work awaits you.

Virgo

Remember that problem you are having with your neighbour’s abattoir? This is the day to go on Sharma. Count how many times he says ‘yes’ but beware the offerings of powdered milk.

Libra

Watch your rear view mirror. Some one is following and it is not a secret admirer. Keep your safety locks on at all times and make frequent U turns. If surrounded by armed men jump in the nearest trench.

Scorpio

You will excel at a press conference today. Your rantings about the ‘corrupt, inept and impotent’ government will go down very well and make all the nightly newscasts. Make sure to shine your head before going to the mike.

Capricorn

Wear black and red today and attend a freedom fighter’s funeral. There’s bound to be one in your neighbourhood. Your caring character will certainly lead you to share out leaflets and Limacol.

Aquarius

It hasn’t been a good start to the month for Aquarians. Your phone got cut off, GPL sent a bill for $2M and there’s a man outside disconnecting your water. But never mind Western Union is only a short walk away. Persevere

Pisces

A propitious day to plan a big project for financial gain. Use your leadership skills to gather your colleagues and make sure they understand their responsibilities. Clean guns, repair ski masks and remember when hijacking a car, burgundy is your lucky colour.

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Police hunt gay gang

The discovery of a number of wigs in a safe house in Friendship has led police to believe they are dealing with gang of criminals who may be practising transvestites.

An unrecorded discovery of false eyelashes and three padded bras in the same house has confirmed this. The police also note that a car abandoned by the same suspected gay gang contained various cassettes by Liza Minelli.

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This little Piggy Mouth went to market

This little Piggy Mouth (allegedly) had a gun

This little Piggy Mouth escaped from New Amsterdam magistrate court in full view of four police officers

And went wee wee wee all the way home