On a recent visit to Guyana, I was saddened by the level of violence both in action and words. Mistrust, fear and hatred were perceptible. I had come from a seminar where Serbians, Croats and Bosnians worked together harmoniously in spite of the sufferings they had experienced in the genocide in former Yugoslavia. From these people, I learned how they had got to that situation of atrocity. Step by step, the seeds of distrust and suspicion were sown until fear of each other drove them to murder. Rwandans tell the same story. They look back now on the massacre, in which 1 000 000 were killed, and shake their heads in horror. Hutus and Tutsis had lived peacefully together and had intermarried but, through the misuse of power and information, they were duped into seeing each other as "enemy" and therefore worthy of death.
I know that there are several groups in Guyana working for peace and reconciliation. I would like to offer another possible way to help people to take control of their lives, improve the quality of their personal and professional relationships and begin to enjoy life again. It is called Nonviolent Communication (NVC).
NVC is people-centred. It is a process of communication developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, a Clinical Psychologist, with the aim of helping people to connect to themselves and each other with respect, honesty and joy. It is a language that replaces aggression with goodwill. People learn to identify their feelings and needs and express them with clarity. They are encouraged to observe what triggered their feelings and to express it without judgment, criticism, diagnosis or accusation. Anyone can learn NVC. In a UNESCO Educational Project in former Yugoslavia, 30,000 children between the ages of 6 and 16 were taught how to resolve misunderstandings and violence in nonviolent ways. I have seen videos of very young children solving differences in their playground by nonviolent means. A young friend of mine states quite candidly that it is not that easy to give up what we want to do and think of the other person but, he said, "All the children in my school can do it."
NVC teaches people skills that help them to stay connected to their humanity even in the most difficult circumstances. Instead of lashing out, people learn to stay with what is authentic and that is their own feelings and needs. They do not allocate blame, interpret actions and lay blame, guilt and shame on others. Instead they try to ascertain from others what their feelings and needs are. When both parties have been heard and understood, then it is possible to find a solution to the conflict in a way that respects the needs and values of all those who are involved. NVC teaches how to speak and act compassionately and abandon language that arouses resentment and lessens self-worth. It eliminates speech to create fear, blame, shame, guilt and ridicule.
NVC is based on the premises that we, human beings, all have the same needs. We are constantly trying to get our needs met. NVC shows us that we experience positive feelings only when we get our needs met through co-operation instead of aggression.
With NVC skills, people build more satisfying personal connections. These lead to healing of past hurts and the resolution of conflict in ways that respect the needs and values of all concerned. I have seen Serbs and Bosnians working peacefully together with respect and warmth, even though they had had relatives who had been killed in the genocide in Serbia and Bosnia.
Spirituality lies at the base of NVC. Dr. Rosenberg, who is the Founder and Director of Nonviolent Educational Skills says in his book, The Spiritual Basis of Nonviolent Communication that he knows the Beloved Divine Energy (God) by connecting with human beings in a certain way. He admits that for a long time, he struggled with the concept of love which so many religions teach. He strived to understand what this love meant for him because it was obvious that it had much meaning for many millions of people. He came to the conclusion that love was not just something you feel but something you manifest, something you do and have. He summed it up in the words, "It is the giving of ourselves in a certain way." For me, this is identical to the Christian idea of serving God in others.
Even if a person does not believe in spirituality, when she/he uses the mechanics of NVC in her or his life, she/he will experience warmth and joy in personal connections. What is more, NVC can be used whether the other person knows the process or not.
NVC is being used by people of all ages and in all walks of life around the world. At workshops I gave in Guyana in 2000 and 2001, I introduced NVC to participants, but time was too limited for them to master all the skills. Even so, most of them learned the four steps of NVC:
(i) Observation which means stating clearly what a person is doing or saying which is or is not enriching life, without using words that label, criticize, judge, or diagnose
(ii) Feelings are expressed accurately, again without using words of blame
(iii) Needs are stated clearly and whether they are being met or unmet
(iv) Requests which are introduced by the words, "Would you be willing" to make it clear to others that we are making a request and not a demand and that we only want them to accede to our request if they can do so willingly. There was no time, however for them to master the mechanics. Yet, at the end of the workshop they invariably expressed appreciation of what they had learned. Some have even told me what a difference NVC has made to relationships within their families.
I feel sure that NVC can make difference to the lives of people in Guyana if they wish.
In NVC language, "when I hear about the violence in Guyana (Observation), I feel devastated (Feeling) because every life is of value and I would like to see life respected (Needs). Would you be willing to attend a Training Seminar to learn how to communicate nonviolently and solve conflicts in nonviolent ways which respect the needs and values of all (Request)?"
It is possible to organize an NVC seminar in Guyana where a few people could be trained and they in turn could train others. I was born and grew up in Guyana and I visit regularly. I would like to help Guyanese to improve the quality of their personal and professional relationships. If you are interested in learning more about NVC or think that you, your school or your organisation would benefit from NVC, you may contact me, Desiree Howells at dhow94@yahoo.co.uk