It is not true that prison inmates have been applying to IPED for small loans to start cottage industries, but then again read this from the Eagle news agency:

Following the recent revelations that hardened criminals are operating a lending agency and other businesses within the confines of the city prison, a foreign bank has expressed strong interest in investing in these projects. Officials of the Dwell & Prosper Bank Incarcerated PLC (UK) are expected here next week to carry out preliminary talks with inmates.

“We see this as a tremendous opportunity”, one official told us. “This is exactly the type of entrepreneurial effort which we are looking for and which has the potential, world-wide, to become the hot investment story of the year. There is clearly a large amount of capital available and we feel that the prison officers have only touched the tip of the investment and loan potential.

“Interest rates are very high in Guyana which makes the investment more attractive than say prisons in Japan or the US. Furthermore we are obviously very satisfied with the prevailing security - I mean, where else do you get twenty-foot walls and five layers of razor wire around your bank, not to mention the guard towers at each corner fitted with sub-machine guns.” But he cautioned that only those inmates with longer sentences for such crimes as manslaughter or rape would be considered so that the investments would be given the time needed to develop. “We don’t want any two-bit shoplifter making off with the loan.”

The Ministry of Finance was unavailable for comment up to press time but an inside source has indicated that President Jagdeo, calling from a pay phone in Uttah Desperation, India, has hailed the initiative as “just the kind of foreign investment we are trying to attract here, er, I mean there, in Guyana.”

Minister of Go-Invest Geoff Da Silva was delighted by the development and noted that the prison could be a key foreign exchange earner for the country. He predicted an increase in investments in the prison sector of 583% for 2004, and “this is being really, really conservative.”

The prison governor, in a short interview, was also positive about the plan, saying it would give the prisoners vital skills for when they came out if they still wanted to. Pointing to his office wall, where a collection of home-made weapons was displayed which included knives and stilettos made out of coconut shells and a garrotte made from dried yam fibre, he stated:

“We have some very clever people in here.”

High representatives

Dr Luncheon and Lance Carberry are, we assured, working assiduously to implement the May 6 communique for President Jagdeo and PNCR leader Robert Corbin and apparently have new titles as “high representatives” as in high priests.

Thanks to WR’s investigative unit’s efforts to install bugging equipment in rooms at the Office of the President we have managed to eavesdrop on last week’s critical meeting where the talks were close to collapse. Here is the official transcript. Now you can see why nothing gets done:

Carberry: What’s up Lunch, are you high?

Lunch: Affirmative dude, it can verily be ascertained that I am high as a kite. What about your state of consciousness?

Carberry: According to my sensory perceptions which include me imagining your beard is growing longer right before my eyes I believe I am indeed under the influence of cannabis sativa, dude.

Lunch: Way to go! Carby, or should I say you are headed in a sensible direction. Look I don’t feel like doing any of this communique b*&s#@%! today. Let’s just chill. I got a really groovy tape of the WTO talks at Doha, man if you hear the speech of US Trade Representative Robert Zoellick. That guy must have been tripping on some bad Arabian $%!&.

Carberry: Sounds cool, or should I say it would appear to be a lower temperature than normal. Man, I am getting some serious munchies, the hydrochloric acid is starting to build up in my duodenum. What do you say we raid Jag’s fridge?

Lunch: Now you are emitting a sensible proposal... but we will have to sign a memorandum of understanding that it was your idea.

Carberry: Yo mama! Or should I say the woman who bore you and nurtured you through your childhood. I am not compelled to sign $%*&. I’m taking this chocolate cake.

Lunch: Just messing with your head, Carby, Hold on, dude, let’s share it.

Carberry: This tastes good.

Lunch: Mm Mmmm, Hey dude, don’t we have the best jobs in the whole fricking universe. I bet no one on Jupiter or any other planet can goof off like we do every week. Man I am so sick of the communique and the follow-up agreement and then there will probablybe a follow-up to the follow-up on and on. And screw me having to talk like I have a Roget’s Thesaurus stuck up my brain. I wanna get DOWN... I want to get jiggy with it, (starts dancing)

Carberry: Now you’re talking Lunchie, now you’re talking.

Lights out

In a bid to save electricity and avoid the city being cut off by GPL, all traffic lights have been switched off.

“This will save a considerable amount for the cash- strapped council,” a spokes-man said.

It is noted that without the traffic lights, vehicles seem to proceed far more quickly through junctions than when they are working. Camp St has been officially declared a traffic light free zone with a free run from South Road all the way to Lamaha St.

Words and expressions to be expunged for all time

Criminal elements

Value added production

The housing drive

Inclusiveness

The constructive dialogue

A return to normalcy

A key foreign currency earner

Police are investigating

Widening the tax base

Amos the African

Apropos the Baroness Amos article that had her coming from a tiny island in South America, the London Evening Standard went one further by locating her birthplace in Guinea, West Africa.

Question of the week

How many more house lot titles can we bear to see Baksh dole out?