Hello and welcome to the Miss Universe/Guyana pageant 2056 and what is another repeat of the Clash of Champions stretching all the way back to 2003.

And here come the delegates down the ramp in their wheelchairs. Look how smoothly Olive Gopaul, grandmother of 14, navigates the course and right behind her Odessa Phillips... This promises to be a keen contest this year. As it stands now Odessa has won 32 pageants to Olive's 21 although with Odessa's recent hip and cataract surgeries, Olive has won four straight.

She certainly looks good. Her bunions are bigger than ever and that is what the judges are looking for.

OK, let's get to the first segment, the swimsuit and here comes Odessa wearing a very frilly affair. But we can clearly see the stretch marks that come from having seven children. That's what the judges like, evidence of fertility. The scars from a recent hernia operation will also help her. I do like the way she is moving with that walker and her purple orthopaedic shoes are all the rage in the old age homes.

And here is Olive. My oh my, she is daring to go with a very skimpy bikini that leaves little to the imagination. I must say the top is hung very low just above her belly button. She is going all out this year to win, swinging her walking cane around despite her plastic knees. The skin on her neck is giggling like a turkey's. Can you believe at 76 she has this much energy? Olive Gopaul

The crowd is loving it! They are struggling to get up from their seats to cheer her, but it looks like the nurses are giving them a hand.

Ok it's time for the next segment. Here comes Odessa in a chic little nightgown, hanging just below her plastic knees and some pink furry slippers. Her white jukebox are really showing and Ooh! I like the oxygen mask. That's a nice accessory. Olive follows her in a fluffy sky blue dressing gown with pleated back and a knitted hat. She looks good. The colours really make her liver spots stand out.

Time for the question and answer segment.

And they wheel out Miss Trinidad Wendy Fitzwilliam flown in by medivac plane having recently been fitted with a pacemaker. Such dedication to pageants. No matter she is lying on a gurney. She still has the microphone. Out comes Olive and she pulls out her dentures and shows them to the crowd. What a fine pair, crafted by dental designer Dr Makepeace Richmond! Extra points there!

What is the question? "Do you think plastic or metal hips are best?" Olive replies, "I have one metal and one plastic and they both work pretty well. I really know the pain old people go through with bad hips and I feel a lot more can be done to make the public aware of hip replacements and I am willing to work along with various NGOs to combat osteoarthritis. Everyone drink milk! Thank you!"

Good reply. Here comes Odessa being wheeled out. She looks a little groggy like she has just taken her afternoon sleeping pill. The same question. Odessa is fiddling with her hearing aid but it does not seem to be helping. "What do I think about overseas trips? Well, I have been on many as Miss Universe and to see my grans..." Uh Oh, she misheard hips for trips, this could be crucial.

The judges are ready. Odessa and Olive are hand in hand, wheel to wheel for the 53rd year in a row. But the suspense is still as high. And.... Olive is the winner! Odessa pins the crown on her rival's silver fox wig and Olive takes her first wheelchair ride as Miss Universe/Guyana 2056. Goodnight everybody.

Benjamin's Non-Census

"The introduction of new technologies will improve the accuracy and speed with which information generated by the upcoming population and housing census will be made available to the public.

(Chief Statistician) Benjamin said that with the introduction of scanners, the first set of information from the census would become available as early as February (2003) and more detailed information about the population in June." (SN August 3 2002)

Slippage in completing Census 2002

-says Chief Statistician (SN Dec 27)

Initial profiles coming from the National Population and Housing Census are expected to be released by June of this year by the Bureau of Statistics, while more detailed information could be available by September.

(SN April 20 2003)

"The earliest information about the size and composition of Guyana's population will not be available until September." (June 24 2003)

"Results of the 2002 Population and Housing Census will not be available until the end of the year.

Chief Statistician of the Bureau of Statistics, Lennox Benjamin told Stabroek News that data collected during the enumeration phase of the census is still being verified and processed.

"We had set ourselves an optimistic or ambitious target when we said the results were coming out by the end of September," he said in an interview.

"I am avoiding putting a date but we are certain that we will be ready with preliminary figures within the final quarter... and most likely in the early part of the quarter."

(SN October 13 2003)

Initial census data by year end

-promises Kowlessar in request for more money (SN Dec 12 2003)

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'Refined' officials rebuked by Prez

over white sugar

(True story)

Region Six officials were very embarrassed during President Bharrat Jagdeo's Christmas trip to Berbice.

In an effort to offer the Comrade Leader "the best" they served him white sugar with his tea when he showed up at the State House in New Amsterdam. Jagdeo was not amused and asked why they did not have any Demerara Gold.

Observation of the week