It's time for Oscars 2004 and what promises to be a hotly contested Best Picture nomination. Here are the nominees:

Lord of the Whingers

In a strange land, the citizens are ruled by an even stranger people, who call themselves the Comrads. Their young leader spends his time putting out fireballs flung over from the dangerous land of Sophia and its mortal enemy the equally weird Burnhamites. The Lord of the Whingers also battles the marauding Meeja who are in alliance with the Burnhamites, both intent on taking over the kingdom and re-establishing 28 more years of darkness.

In perhaps the final part of their three terms in office, the Comrads' message becomes more and more hollow as dissension in their ranks builds.

Starring Bharrat Jagdeo fresh from his Broadway hit 'Infantile terrible'.

Mr Rohee's Visa goes to Washington

Intrigue, rumour and naked rage on the letter pages in this tense post-Cold War thriller about a diplomat who may have said or signed too much, or both. Forced to travel via Europe on trips to the Far East, the diplomat is mistaken for an Al Qaeda operative at Charles de Gaulle airport by virtue of his beard and his anti-American reading material. He is shipped off to Guantanamo Bay. After three years incarceration, he escapes after putting his guards to sleep with his speeches to Parliament and flees to Havana where he is mistaken as the long lost illegitimate son of Che Guevara and given a hero's welcome. He lives happily ever after.

Starring Clement Rohee. (Mr Rohee won't be here tonight as he is on location filming the sequel: "How Clement got his visa back").

Death Squad 5

Big budget action thriller whose stars we cannot name but many have a pretty good idea who they are.

Picture a small South American town, criminals on the rampage terrorising the populace. Housewives are afraid to leave their homes, children stay away from school. But one man alone is willing to stand up to them. He gathers a band of brothers, several SUVs and some high powered weaponry and they paint the town red, literally.

Bending the law? You bet, but tough times require tough men.

Warning: Some of the scenes in this movie may be highly disturbing to donor countries

Dejeuner sur l'herbe

From France comes the quirky comedy, Dejeuner sur L'Herbe translated as "Luncheon on the Grass". A tale of two middle-aged bored Parisien bureaucrats who call themselves the High Representatives. They skip important constructive dialogue meetings to go picnicking in the Bois de Boulogne with naked ladies. Their failure to take their work seriously leads to chaos for a small South American country.

Starring the Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau of Guyana, Dr Rogeur Dejeuner and Monsieur Lance Carberry.

Raging Inferno - Best documentary

In June 2002 a boy on a bicycle knocked down an old man smoking a cigarette which ignited a pile of sawdust outside an insurance company undergoing renovations. In a riveting interview, a fire chief recalls the events of that day and blames everyone else but his department for the total destruction of a small South American town.

Born Free(dom House)

A small lion cub from Berbice is raised on Robb St by a loving couple, the Jagans. Spoon-feeding him the sweet milk of communism they watch him rise to be a strong and active member of the central committee.

But as he grows older he starts biting the hand that fed him, that made him the first lion ever to be elected an MP. Censured several times he is eventually thrown out on the street and left to fend for himself. Moses, a sheepdog turned lawyer, is his only companion as they set off on an epic journey into obscurity.

Chicken Run

An animation classic starring two chickens who failed to stand up to their bullying leader and challenge his dominance over the brood. A cautionary tale of what happens when you fail to dare.

Starring Raphael Trotman and Vincent Alexander, with guest appearance by Deo Singh as the poultry importer turned chicken farmer who benefited from sharply higher tariffs just as he got into production.

At home with Robert

"Dinner is served," cries Mrs Corbin. No reply.

"Robert, dinner's on the table." No reply.

"Yoo hoo Robert!" Silence.

Phone rings. Voice on the other end says:

"The Leader of the Opposition regrets he will not be attending dinner since a formal invitation has not been extended by the Clerk of the National Assembly."

Gibberish of the week

From Monday's letter page and Amar Panday:

"Because only a few in our society have had the perspicacity and the honesty to pierce that superficial veneer of obscurantism and were able to assert the reality of this phenomenon does not vitiate or detract in any way from the validity of the finding."

Heartfelt plea of the week

Please, Please, Please. No more letters about Ramjattan or Cel*Star or the UG Chemistry Department.